Alien Anal Obsession: A Probing Analysis? 21/04/15 13:26


I’m sorry Mr Alien dude, it’s just that I don’t willingly let ugly men in ugly turtle necks anal probe me on the first date.



Alien abduction is a puzzling and mysterious phenomemenon that has interested me since I first watched the most nightmare inducing television program to air in the Australia during the 1990s,’The Extraordinary’. Tales of little grey, bug eyed men from space beaming unsuspecting people up to their spaceship so they can do horrible experiments on them, it’s enough to make a little boy shit the bed. Nowadays, as a fully continent adult, I am less scared and more curious about alien abductions. There are so many interesting questions that remain uninvestigated and/or unanswered, for example:


  • What are the alien’s reasons for abducting humans?
  • Why do they only abduct the weirdest, drunkest hicks from the weirdest, drunkest hick towns?
  • Why do they return their abductees? Why not just keep the same people for whatever experiments they’re running instead of having to abduct new ones each time?
  • Do they abduct other animals, or do they just take humans?
  • Why don’t they just ask the human to get in their spaceship rather than kidnapping them. Most people would willingly go. Don’t believe me, look at how many people wilfully got in a car with Ivan Milat, and he’s way less interesting than an alien.


Alien anal probe. Available at all good toy stores and sex shops.

ET inspired alien anal probe. Available at all good toy stores and sex shops.

Any one of these questions is worthy of my investigation, however I’ve decided in this post to look into the one subject that has puzzled me most, alien anal probing. More precisely, why do these aliens appear to love shoving things up peoples arses so much?


The agreed upon explanation for the alien’s anal obsession is that they’re carrying out a probe as part of some horrific medical experiment. I call bullshit on this theory. These aliens can fly through space and do all sorts of other cool things with ray guns, X-ray, laser beams and stuff, but after God knows how many years (literally, because God is probably an alien) they still haven’t worked out every question that the human poop-shute can answer? It doesn’t make any sense. Surely there’s some other explanation out there. Below is a list that I have devised of  alternative explanations for the aliens’ love of inserting things in their abductees bottoms.



Alien Anal Probing: Alternatives to the Medical Model



It’s the Best Way to Shut Your Abductee Up


I don’t know if it’s true, and I don’t want this to be an indication of the types of websites I’ve been prowling, but I have heard that the only way to release a pit bull’s grip if he has latched onto something is to shove your finger up the dog’s rectum. Apparently the Pitbull will immediately let go if a digit is inserted. If this is true it just may explain why aliens anal probe.


Obviously people who are abducted are pretty scared. They’re screaming, they’re crying, they’re panicking  Maybe in the same way that a slap by James Bond will suddenly alleviate any woman’s resistance, having something shoved up the butt may have a similar effect on abductees, or at least put them into shock, shutting them up for a short period. This anal intrusion may allow the aliens to continue inserting the alien foetus into the abductees womb with a minimum of fuss, ready to unleash an evil alien human hybrid onto humanity in 9 months time.


They’re Looking for a Treasure Map


The aliens may be looking for a treasure map. This is the Goonies' Treasure Map. I put it in the post so I could make a joke about One Eyed Willy and anal probing, but I can't think of anything.

The aliens may be looking for a treasure map. This is the Goonies’ Treasure Map. I put it in the post so I could make a joke about One Eyed Willy and anal probing, but I can’t think of anything funny at the moment.


On their first journey to Earth a fugitive, pirate alien may have been evading the intergalactic  police when he crash landed his spaceship on Earth. Fearing that the intergalactic police would find him and take his treasure, he buried the treasure somewhere on our planet. To make sure he remembered where he buried it the alien drew a treasure map inside the rectal wall of an unknown human being.  This treasure map was burned into the humans DNA so that it would automatically replicate itself on the buttholes of everyone of the original human’s ancestors, meaning the pirate alien could still locate it after the man had died. Unfortunately, the alien didn’t realise at the time, like photocopying a photocopy of a photocopy, the quality gets poorer each time it is replicated. There are now millions of ancestors of this treasure map bearing Adam, but each ancestor only has a very poor quality copy inside their butt. Either the original fugitive alien, or groups of alien treasure hunters who have heard the legend , are trying to get a complete copy of the treasure map by examining the arseholes of as many humans as possible in order to get one good quality copy. Maybe what we know as the anal probe is actually a camera that is shoved up the arse of each abductee taking a picture for the aliens’ records.


They’re Not Aliens. They’re Time Travelling Perverts


There is a theory that what we know as aliens are not actually from another planet, but rather from another time. Some say they are travelling back through time to give us a message, some say a warning, I say they’re travelling through time to give us an old fashioned buggerising.

The Gary Glitter's of the future may have to resort to time travel to fulfil their sick fantasies.

The Gary Glitter’s of the future may have to resort to time travel to fulfil their sick fantasies. Watch out young women of the 1600s, he’s a-comin’.


Think of the biggest perverted bastards you have ever heard of. The type of guy who feels the need to compulsively act out on his sick, twisted perversions. The type of man who should be locked up and the key thrown away. There are certain places in the world where this type of man can go and live out his sick fantasies without the fear of prosecution and persecution that accompany such deeds if he were to commit them in a place like Australia. These places are called third world countries, and they are full of perverted Western scum. Anyone who has been to South East Asia, particularly the Phillipines or Thailand, will know exactly the sort of people I’m talking about.  Now imagine that in the future there are no dark corners of earth, or the universe for that matter. Nowhere you can escape the prying eye of the law. Where do these perverts go? They jump in a time machine and travel to the past, that’s where.


These time travelling deviants have chosen to travel to a time, not a location, where there are no consequences for your actions. The butt raping perverts from the future have chosen our time because it is the time of the manual prostate cancer examination, and they have fitted their craft out like a hospital room to perpetuate that illusion and make us feel better about being violated. The paedophiles from the future have chosen to go back to Ancient Greece or somewhere where that sort of perversion was/is more ‘commonplace and accepted’. The list continues. It’s true, every perversion has its time.


They are Alien Sex Tourists


See above, but apply to Alien Sex Tourists from another planet, not time travelling perverts.


Prostate Cancers are Alien Gold


In the same way the Incas had no understanding of the value of gold until the Spanish arrived, or the way my father was continually chopping down rogue choko vines in the back yard before discovering that chokos sell for a couple of bucks each at the fruit shop, we have no idea of how valuable our prostate cancers are. To us prostate cancers are a potentially deadly growth that needs to be chopped out and/or killed with radiation. To the aliens, prostate cancers are big money. Prostate cancers are so valuable in the alien world that the alien overlords will send groups of prostate farmers all the way to Earth to do the harvest. They abduct people, check their prostate cancer status, and then insert something to chop it off and store it for transportation back to their home planet.

The only questions that remains is do Aliens cause prostate cancer? Do they plant the seed to grow the cancer so that they can harvest it at a later date… I say that it’s more than likely, infact it’s probable.


They Think Anal Insertion Is How We Say Hello


Wanda Sandhills and Greenhills Beach. Secluded, isolated, dark at night. Just the type of place that aliens love to abduct from.

Wanda Sandhills and Greenhills Beach. Secluded, isolated, dark at night. Just the type of place that aliens love to abduct from.


Aliens don’t abduct people from the middle of the city. A spaceship has never beamed someone up from Martin Place at lunchtime. Instead, for some unknown reason, they prefer to pick their abductees up from remote, dark, isolated places, in the dead of night. Think of any dark, remote, isolated place near where you live and I bet I can guess what sort of activities take place there at night. I’ll put money on it that gay men are having anonymous sex with other gay men under the cover of darkness in a park near you.


The aliens have obviously observed the gay men probing other mens bottoms on their first fact finding mission and have wrongly assumed that this is how humans greet each other. They reported this back to their alien overlords, and shoving things up people’s butts as soon as you abduct them has become standard practice for all abduction attempts from then on. The aliens think we like it. It’s their way of saying “Hello, we are your friend and we like you. Please remain calm while I harvest your bone marrow.”


Think this is stupid and could never happen? Imagine if every bay or inlet was a gay beat for pre colonisation/invasion Australian Aboriginals. What would Captain Cook have reported back to his English masters about Aboriginal culture if the only contact he had with the natives was that everywhere he stopped his ship he saw gay Aboriginal men having anonymous gay sex? I think Captain Phillip’s instructions on how the First Fleet were to deal with the local indigenous population, may have varied a little. I’m not implying that the First Fleet would have abducted Aboriginals and inserted things into their bottoms, mainly because the English weren’t as nice and thoughtful as the Aliens are.



Any Other Ideas?


These are just a few of the possible reason why Aliens may feel compelled to shove probes up our butts. I’m sure that you can think of some more. I’m hopeful that this is not the end of the conversation about alien anal probing, hopefully it is just the beginning  If it was a group of humans who felt compelled to kidnap strangers and shove stuff inside their rectums we’d have Psychologists, Scientists and Doctors trying to find out pretty quick smart what their motivation is. Why do we continue to ignore the topic just because the perpetrators are not from our galaxy? I for one will no longer sit silently while my Earthling brothers and sisters are being violated like this.


Let’s find out why the aliens are doing this. If they’ve been misinformed then let us set them straight. If they’ve worked out a way to remove prostate cancers, let’s work with them. If they’re sick perverts from outer space or the future let’s send the people who love that kind of kinky stuff to the abduction zone. Whatever we do it is imperative that we at least acknowledge that it’s real, it’s happening and it’s a real pain in the butt for all those who’ve been abducted.



"You abduct people against their will and do horrible experiments on them, and your ultimate goal is to take over the world too. If you tell me you dig Wagner, I'm officially smitten.

“You abduct people against their will and do horrible experiments on them, and your ultimate goal is to take over the world as well. Wow!!! If you dig Wagner, I’m officially smitten.”









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