How to Set the Fashion Trends 15/04/15 07:25
When I was young I would have considered myself as a bit of an unwitting Fashionista. What I mean by this is that I was always one step ahead of what was fashionable. Whatever I wore, no matter how ridiculous, would inevitably be cool in a month or two. For example, I can vividly remember getting refused entry to Northies at Cronulla when I was about 19 or 20 because I had ripped jeans on (apparently that dump had a dress code), then a month later I was watching cool people with ripped jeans getting let in while I was wearing a nerd ensemble in the Sports Bar. A month or so later, all the cool kids had nerd ensembles and I had a ponytail and a flannelette shirt, and so it continued. I didn’t pick every style. For example I was never metrosexual before or after it was fashionable, nor did I ever rock a faux Mohawk, David Beckham style, but had I known then what I know now I could probably have predicted their arrival.
I was ahead of the fashion until about the age of about 25 or 26 when I eventually settled on a lifelong style, which consists of a short, neat haircut and whatever Lowes is selling. The ironic thing is that I could never figure out why I was so forwardly-fashionable until I was so uncool and out of the loop that I could step back and observe the coming and going of the fashions from a distance. What I observed led me to one of my greatest philosophical moments. I had figured out the answer to what cool kids everywhere have been searching for since time immemorial, how to predict what will be in fashion before it’s actually in fashion. How to set the trends!
Here is the only thing you need to know about predicting what will be fashionable next. Whatever is the uncoolest thing in the world; the thing nobody in their right mind would be caught wearing; the thing that you would have a laugh with your mates about if you saw someone wearing it, that will be the coolest thing in the world in about one or two months time. I know what you’re thinking, that I’m an idiot and you’ve wasted your time reading this far, but I guarantee it is true. I developed this theory about 6 years ago and I swear to god that since then a lot of my predictions have come true, and the fashion predictions that haven’t materialised were because of me incorrectly guessing the uncoolest thing in the world, not because the theory is wrong.
Here are some fashion examples that support my theory. This is a list of things that were fashionable since I was a teenager until the modern day. If you don’t remember the period prior to these fashions becoming popular you will have to take my word for it, these were the uncoolest things anyone could think of just before they became cool.
1997/98-ish (about the time of that picture above) onwards
- Big baggy pants with the waist hanging around your knees
- Peroxided hair
- White guys dressed like black gangsters
- Spiky, messy gelled hair
- Chin-strap beard
- Faux mohawks
- Being a nerd
- Skin tight black jeans
- Painted nails on men
- Super tight t-shirts with Superheroes/cartoon characters on them
- Big bushy beards
- Anything hipsters wear
- Neck tattoos
- 1920s style brill creamed hair
This is just the list off the top of my head, and only the list for male fashions. I’m sure I’m missing a few of the most obvious ones but I think you get my point. The only people who wore these clothes before they became fashionable were undesirable characters who nobody wanted to look like, or ultra-cool people like me, who shopped at the Op-Shop rather than the Surf Shop. For example I can vividly remember a conversation between a bloke at University and myself when the skinny black jeans were starting to be cool, pondering why anyone would want to look like a hollow legged heroin addict? But for some reason people loved the junkie leg look and it became fashionable to wear skinny jeans.
As I am writing this I am also watching the NRL on TV. The NRL is often a breeding place for the worst new fashions to show themselves. These are young men with lots of money, who look after themselves, who can wear whatever they want without censure. I mean, would you tell Jared Warea Hargreaves the jeans he’s wearing look stupid. Not if you valued your life. To back up my theory I’m currently noticing a disturbing trend of man buns in the players hair. A couple of months ago the last thing I would have predicted fashion wise was that a big muscly, tough guy who bashes people for a living, would rock is a bun in his hair, but there it is… and Jack DeBelin’s not alone.
The Clause: A Warning For the Uninitiated
First a word of warning: Don’t just go off half cocked wearing whatever you think is totally uncool so you can be pre-fashionable just yet. There is one clause to my theory. Some things are so uncool that they will remain unfashionable forever. For example, I can’t imagine the Charlie Chaplin pencil moustache ever becoming cool again because of its association with Hitler. I don’t think that walking around with your cock out will ever be cool either because it’s too offensive. I don’t think painting your face black will ever be cool for racial reasons . Please bear this one clause in mind when picking a new fashion. The idea is to be ahead of and predictiong the fashion, not become a laughing stock, or be arrested.
The Impact of my Theory
Unfortunately for me, my theory seems to indicate that I was so uncool when I was at my coolest that I was laughable. For the longest time I just assumed I was ultra fashionable and everyone was copying me because I looked so good. Unfortunately this was the opposite of what was really happening. This realization was a bit of a self esteem blow. What it means for everyone else is that the code is finally cracked. If you don’t believe me then for the next few months just watch the changing of the fashions. Watch the type of people who are usually pretty good indicators of what is going to catch on e.g. young sportsmen, wankers, rich spoilt kids etc and see if what they are wearing seems like the uncoolest thing ever. I guarantee you my theory will be proven correct.
Do You Want a Prediction?
So you want a prediction of what is going to be cool in the next couple of months. I’m a little behind the fashions these days and you may be reading this a long time after it’s posted, so I may already be mentioning things that are becoming cool again but here goes. A list of the uncoolest things I can think of at the moment, meaning they will soon be fashionable are:
- East 17 style beanie and hats from the ‘Alright’ video (not sure what I mean, then watch it on Youtube)
- Grills or braces for your teeth
- Wearing heaps of big rings, Little Richard style
- Men with big hoopy nose rings and tons of piercings
- 1980s style really short King Gee work shorts
- Footy socks and shorts
- Roller Blades
- Business shoes that lace up with velcro
- Getting caps on your teeth to make them look damaged or missing.
- Fluro coloured pants
- Carrying a cane for no reason
- Watch on a chain
- Big belt buckles in the shape of American Wild West imagery
- Big puffy permed 1980s style hair.
- Faux Fur hoodies for men
- Padlock necklace or dog-tag necklace
- Neck-tie with T-shirt
- Henna Tattoos for your face in the shape of a tear drop
- Safety Pin earings
- T-shirt bearing the picture of a Warner Brothers character
- Rocking a skullet
- Southern Cross tattoo
My guarantee is that at least one of these will become fashionable in the next month or two, or I will gladly wear the worst fashion mistake of all time. I will grow a chin-strap beard.
I used to have one of those chinstrap beards, however there is no photographic evidence because it was before digital cameras, thank god. I promise if I am wrong I will bring the look back. Who knows if I get the chinstrap I just may be fashionable again… maybe